Getting my second dose of a good lesson

All of us probably have some area of our lives where we place too much weight on what other people think. Maybe it's job performance, maybe it's looks, sociability or that elusive "coolness" factor (which can, at times, be just as present in the adult world as it was in high school). Whatever the category may be, we know that the people around us are not, in fact, walking around with a score card and rubric assigning us points, and yet we often live as if they were.

A couple of years ago, during a family camping trip in the Rocky Mountains, I challenged myself to go without makeup for several days. I’m re-posting the reflection I wrote on Facebook after returning from that trip because recently I decided it was time for another round of learning that lesson.

I am a strong-willed person, as those who know me well can attest to, and I don't like to let anything or anyone be my master except the God who created me. So when I notice that something else--in this case, the mirror--has begun to wield too much power over my mood and mental state, that's a red alert. Intervention needed. Could some of that freedom I recalled feeling during those days of "Mountain-Me" be possible here at home in my everyday life?

My 2021 no-makeup experiment lasted for a longer time (about six weeks) but took a less extreme form (I still filled in my eyebrows and used CC cream, which is a type of tinted moisturizer, and I made some exceptions when the situation called for a more put-together look.)

It was humbling, to be sure. Some situations were harder than others. But as the weeks went on, I noticed there were more and more days when the sight of my almost-bare face in the mirror actually made me smile and think, Hey, not bad! More importantly, there were times when I didn't bring out the mental scorecard at all. This was progress. And as I wrote in my February post entitled "Onward!," forward progress is power because it generates hope.

In the weeks since the experiment ended, I've settled into a kind of compromise with my makeup bag. Some days it's fun to glam it up all the way; some days allow for 100% Mountain-Me; but most of the time I'm happiest here in the in between. My sense of what "pretty good" looks like has been recalibrated, and I hope to keep it that way.

So, without further ado, here's the story of how I first met a braver, freer version of myself on a windy mountaintop. Where have you found yours?

**************************************************

(originally published on Facebook 8/21/2018)

This is me, #NoMakeup. It’s also me at the top of a 13,000 foot mountain, buffeted by the wind and trembling with a mixture of joy, awe, and panic.

At the end of the trail on our second hike, I had followed Dan and the kids up a tall outcropping of rock that I at first had taken one look at and said, “I’m staying down here.” Having changed my mind and climbed up anyway, I felt like I was about to fall off the edge of the earth. I was afraid to even take the selfie because it meant having to let go of the rock with both hands (even though, in reality, there was no way I could fall off the mountain from where I sat).

It was a moment of pride that I just had to record. Whether or not I was likely to look cute in the photo was of no importance to me whatsoever.

The day before, my older daughter had asked a question—“Mom, why do you need to go put on your makeup if we’re camping?”—that opened up a door for me.

Why, indeed? What would it be like if I went makeup-free for the remaining five days of our trip, until we started driving home? First thought: Hard. It would be hard. Next thought: That’s why I need to do it. For me, and also for her.

Back in college, during my sophomore year, I’d gone makeup-free for a whole semester and still had a fantastic time with my friends, who didn’t care a bit whether I wore makeup or not.

But let’s be real—going for the au naturel look at nineteen is one thing, but doing it at thirty-nine is an entirely different story. Definitely a humbling experience. Every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror at our campground bathroom, under those cruel fluorescent lights, I’d cringe inwardly and think to myself: I do not look at all attractive right now. Not one bit.

But then I’d come right back with the counter-thoughts: So what?? I’m in the mountains. I’m having an incredible time. I’m HAPPY. It’s true, I don’t look pretty today, but my family loves me anyway. God loves me anyway, and I have a part to play in building His kingdom here on earth that has absolutely nothing to do with whether I look pretty “enough” or not.

And really, I think for most of us (even for famously beautiful celebrities) it probably never feels like we reach that magical “enough.” Sometimes it’s good to stop chasing it for a moment—or a few days, or a semester, whatever it takes—and just stare our not-enough-ness in the face so we can see that it’s not so scary after all. As I went through that same thought process in the campground bathroom over and over, each time it felt a little bit easier.

Now, of course, I’m back home and back in my normal makeup and skincare routines. In fact, last night I went for a pedicure and manicure with a couple of girlfriends. I’m not ashamed of that—I happen to like the way it feels to see color on my nails. I also like picking out cute outfits to wear, reading Glamour magazine, and smelling the perfume I just dabbed on my wrist. Nothing wrong with any of that.

But I feel it’s important that I remember, and also share, the selfie from the mountaintop hike. Because when I took it, I wasn’t thinking about any of the stuff in this post. I was just—there. With the wind and the rocks and the view. Just being me, strong and brave. And it was enough.

**********************************